Safe problem solving/negotiation

Safe problem solving/negotiation

Based on the work of Dr Willard Harley

What’s the point??

• To stop ending up in reluctant agreements that don’t last, and create  unmatched expectations, and grow increasing resentment.
• To eliminate sacrificing or giving in as a way to problem solve
• To establish a habit in relationship that fosters goodwill
• To have a process that sorts lifestyle issues and motivates a couple to meet each other’s emotional needs
• To stop having the same argument over and over and over with no real result and only more damage to the relationship.

Ground rules– Start setting the process up to win so that in six months you are no longer preparing for battle when it is time to discuss something.

1. Keep it pleasant.- As humans we avoid pain and move toward pleasure.

•  Get in the habit of putting a smile on your dial, checking your tone of voice, and begin by bringing up the subject as if you are talking about your favourite restaurant not the heaviest issue of all time. Fake it till you make it.

2. Keep it Safe.- If you start to feel you or your partner is  losing it and    

         getting angry and disrespectful call a halt long before it gets out of

         hand.

• Wait till the emotion has drained away. Don’t go back into the minefield till it has been swept clear of mines; anger, disrespect, demands.

3.      3. Give undivided attention– looking at your phone, tv, or the

         magazine can create instant disrespect and resentment.

• Agree to and stick to a scheduled time to discuss a problem
• Avoid on the fly or unscheduled negotiation it can feel like an ambush.
• If you have thought it through give your partner the same opportunity

4. Don’t bring up the past

• Keep it about the present

• You do not need to justify what you want now with how you didn’t get it in the past
• Every couple knows that ‘what really happened in the past’ causes more reaction and anger than the issue they are trying to negotiate
• Bringing up  mistakes will probably kill your motivation to problem solve as defenses go up
• When you bring up past mistakes you become like a prosecuting attorney  against your partner
• Fake it till you make it

5. Keep the unresolved issue at the top of the list

• Until you have a wholehearted agreement or no deal.
• No deal has to be on the table as an option. If you don’t have the freedom to say no you don’t really have the freedom to say yes.
• The question is will no deal be a deal breaker?

Process

• Begin with the end in mind

•  The end goal is to reach a mutual wholehearted agreement, to get to ‘win win’

• As with any outcome in life when you know the target you’re more likely to get there
• ‘Win win’ is the gateway that leads to a mutually beneficial relationship- any other goal strangles goodwill and makes the relationship unsustainable
• When you know that the only sustainable outcome is ‘win win’ you can start seeing and eventually stop using your default strategies.  You begin to realise that demands , disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts cannot possibly lead to a  wholehearted’ agreement.
• If you are looking for real solutions to your problems you will find them in whatever yields a ‘win win’.
• You can learn to stop  ‘going off and doing you’re own damn thing’ when you start to realise that anything short of ‘win win’ is actually ‘lose lose’
• ‘Win win’ makes deposits in both emotional bank accounts and avoids withdrawals

2. Understand their perspective

• First seek to understand before  your need to be understood.

• You know what you think. If  a wholehearted agreement is the goal then learning what they think is the most important information you can get. If you’re not willing to do that then stop kidding yourself that this is about mutual benefit.
• Having your perspective understood is a primary emotional need. Feeling understood is  to the emotions what air is to the lungs and until you get it you are not interested in much else.
• When you meet this primary emotional need in  your partner you give them tremendous emotional freedom.
• The key to influence is to first be influenced. For your partner to know that you understand their perspective allows them to feel that they have influenced you.

3.    Respect and consider their perspective

• ‘How could you even think like that?!’ Easy I have a different brain than yours.
• Naturally you struggle to respect your partner’s perspective because your emotional brain is wired for safety and threatened by difference,you grew up with different experiences and different conditioning and you are either a man or a woman.
• If ‘win win’ and goodwill  is the goal  then your partner’s perspective has to be respected and taken into consideration
• You don’t have to agree with your partner’s perspective just take it into consideration as part of any agreement
• Having a safe process means that a different perspective is not your enemy because your different perspective will be taken into consideration as well.

4.     4. Ponder proposals

• Armed with both your perspectives  either or both of you can brainstorm a solution

• If you are not in the practice of really understanding and then taking into consideration your partner’s way of looking at it then this step will seem somewhat difficult for a while. It gets easier with practice.
• Growing freedom from the need to react, get defensive, be judgemental will allow your brain to access reasoned and creative solutions.
• Think about being your own and each others advocate in this process. Advocacy creates goodwill!

5. Wholehearted agreement

• Makes deposits in both your accounts

• Check with your partner to make sure you have a wholehearted and not a reluctant agreement.” what is the win for you? what deposits will it make? are there any possible withdrawals?”
• It is important to do nothing or stay with status quo until you have a wholehearted agreement.
• There is no doubt if you are the one wanting to do something or change the status quo you may have some short term resentment if you feel you are missing out or being sandbagged by your partner while you work toward a wholehearted agreement on something.
• Resentment however will be much more damaging for your partner if you go ahead with what you want and act out of disrespectful independent behaviour.  
• Win win grows romantic love