- Make it pleasant, no really, make it pleasant. One of the reasons your partner gets defensive and/or heads for the hills is that a complaint from you may be a very unpleasant experience. Try putting a smile on your dial and checking your tone of voice by imagining you are going to tell them about your favourite restaurant. Help rewire their brain for the next time you need to complain about something. At the end of the day humans move toward pleasure and want to get the heck away from pain.
- Change an ineffective criticism into a respectful complaint that might get you somewhere. Does it make any sense to treat disrespect with disrespect? When you tell someone they’re wrong how likely are they to agree with you? How likely will they be to want to change? How likely are they to even want to listen to you next time? ‘That really bothered me’ is not only real but also respectful. Voicing your negative reaction to something they did that is frustrating is absolutely appropriate and necessary. But see if you can start becoming aware of when you are firing a judgement at them instead of relating a story about you and your concerns; there is a big difference. The latter gives them a chance to want to listen the former usually shuts listening down.
- Complain early and complain often. Most of the energy to let ’em have it’ comes from letting complaints stack up till you blow. Keep short accounts. When you follow points one and two you can quickly let the steam out of your relationship and not let it come out of your ears.